


Miscellaneous Thoughts

by thelasttimetodance



Category: Original Work
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-07
Updated: 2017-11-03
Packaged: 2019-01-25 06:04:04
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 3,789
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12524668
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thelasttimetodance/pseuds/thelasttimetodance





	1. Chapter 1

07/10/17

“A lone firework shoots up not too far away, green and gold exploding and painting the world before us.”

I should string together a million different words to tell you how I’m feeling right now. I should. But I can’t. I’m not good with words and I never have been (it’s surprising that I even took both English’s at sixth form.) Disregarding that fact, I’ll try my best anyway.

I’m not sure why it was such an important highlight. I’m not sure why it’s so prominent, why it needs to be accentuated, why I feel this way but, looking out at the sea whilst holding your hand and staring up at the sky as it was decorated in different colours was beautiful. It meant everything to me.

Maybe I’m just thinking of new beginnings. The gold ones that shoot the highest but fall down and reach out for you remind me of New Years. Fresh starts. In June, we got ours and I don’t want it to end. It’s not going to end.

I want our playlist to be the only thing I hear from now on. Your voice. Your laugh. Your happiness. They’re things I’m could never get sick of. You’re like a drug and I can never get enough of you. You dull every sense I have, leaving me with only love, lust and adoration. Why? I don’t know. I wish I did.

Today was everything. You’re my everything and even more. If today is the last thing I see or ever remember, I’m okay with that.

The fireworks, the chill of the air, the neon lights, the smell of the sea; it was all mesmerising, yet you were the most captivating thing there.


	2. Chapter 2

08/10/17

“That’s the curse of a forgiving mind.”

I think I have a problem with letting go of people. I don’t mean getting hung up on people when it comes to crushes (though considering my current relationship, I guess that could be debatable.) 

I’m talking about letting go of toxic people; the ones that you know are bad for you, yet you still associate yourself with. I told myself I would never speak of you again to anyone, everyone hates it when I do and undeniably, I do too. I despise the mere thought of you. I can’t stop it though. Especially at a time like this.

This time last year, you would wait in the cold for me and we’d sit under the tree next to my house until 10pm. We’d look at the stars and ask each other stupid questions that nobody really cared about. The answers never mattered, but the company meant the most. We’d laugh over nothing and in that moment, I could consider you my best friend.

Though, you did things to me I hate to speak of. You lied, manipulated and involved me in things I wasn’t prepared for. I didn’t want to do any of that. But I cared too much for you, your well-being, your happiness and our friendship. Arguably, I give and gave you too much. I shouldn’t forgive you or spare you anything. I don’t plan to forgive you. Yet, that doesn’t mean I don’t miss you.

I miss your company. The way you used to call me every evening to check if I was okay. The way you’d run to my house at stupid o’clock to stop me from crying when I felt alone in the world. When I felt helpless, hopeless and heartbroken. I don’t want you back. If you were here, I’d still be in that position. 

Yes, I feel nothing but lonely now. Every day I believe I’m a step closer to losing a loved one or someone I care about in general and I have no doubt that nobody really genuinely cares, but I don’t want you. Ever. I’m learning to become my own source of happiness. I don’t need you to tell me that it’s okay to cry. I don’t need you to tell me that I deserve better. Especially when it’s evident that you never did believe that.

That’s why tonight I unblocked your number to tell you that I miss you, but I can’t forgive you.

Nothing more. Nothing less.


	3. Chapter 3

11/10/17

“I love her and that’s the beginning and end of everything.”

It’s become extremely evident that when I’m tired, I get overly emotional; whether that’s involving happiness, anger, sadness or love, it doesn’t matter. I’m self aware and that’s an achievement. However, for the topic at hand, we’ll focus on the latter: love.

Now, when I first met you, I never expected to feel anything stronger than a friendship (and the concept of a friendship was a stretch to me.) as you know, that’s not how we ended up. Gradual emotions and feelings of lust and infatuation built up until we reached the peak of our relationship. Until we had fallen in love. Fast forward 4 years, 2 months and 26 days from that confession and you reach us now. In that time we’ve fought and made up countless times, we’ve had our first kiss, we’ve gone abroad together, we’ve fallen asleep together and have woken up together, we’ve shared a bed, we’ve exchanged plenty of letters full of compassion and we’ve done so much more. And every day, I find myself falling more and more in love with you. Considering our fluctuating, ever-changing relationship status with one another, I think that’s pretty amazing.

I have the tendency to be blinded by love, so this results in me being rather naïve and optimistic when it comes to future plans. Although, disregarding that completely, I have no doubt that my future will involve you in one way or another because if you weren’t meant to be here, you simply wouldn’t be. You wouldn’t have come back and we wouldn’t be undeniably and unconditionally in love.

I know I belong with you. You’re the only person I can actually imagine falling asleep next to and waking up next to with every passing day. You’re the only person I want to experience that with. Soon enough, we’ll be able to visit each other. I’ll see you and you could see me because just being able to look at you is rewarding enough. It’ll be worth the journey.

I guess what I’m trying to say with a limited amount of words is that I’ll put everything on the line for you and I’ll risk anything for you, if it means I’m able to experience the pleasure of calling you mine, let alone spend the rest of my life with you (though that’s obviously the most preferable option.) 

To put it bluntly, I love you. Always have, always will. Until the end of time itself.

I miss you.


	4. Chapter 4

13/10/17

“I want to encourage you to never doubt who you are.”

I don’t mean for this to be a sad story, but in order to get onto this topic, we need to cut out the highlight reel for a second and get right into the backstory.

So, I grew up surrounded by people who inspired me every day. They were so good at being themselves and they were praised for doing so. One person in particular. She saw what she wanted and she went for it, she never received negative feedback and everyone believed in her. She was pretty, funny, kind, talented and undeniably amazing. Criticisms never existed to her. They still don’t. All my life I’d tried to follow that path, find things I could dedicate myself to. Something to call my own that someone could tell me I’m incredibly good at. I tried everything: dance, karate, singing, guitar, even art. And I know it takes hard work and dedication to become good at things. My problem is, I look at all of these people that got support non-stop and I think, “what’s the point? These people are perfect, I’ll never be as good as them.” And I gave up. Everything I enjoyed I stopped doing because I saw no way of me ever succeeding because I’m simply don’t have what it takes and I don’t want people to waste their time on someone so incapable such as myself, that’s even the reason I never went through with my music gcse. I wanted to. I was desperate to, but I don’t and never will have what it takes. I’m not talented and because of that I feel I’m not an individual, I’m boring and I’m left with nothing.

That’s why when I see people like you. Who have continued to do what they love and are able to do what they love and are so dedicated, it frustrates me when you don’t realise how much I admire what you have. I wish I was like you, I almost envy you. 

You can sing, play piano, a little bit of guitar, you can draw, you’re incredibly intelligent and so unbelievably gorgeous yet you’re so prone to putting yourself down and that’s why it bothers me so much.

I see the confident person I wish I could be in you and that’s why I know you’ll go far in life and do great things. You need to give yourself more credit. You deserve it.

I love you. xx


	5. Chapter 5

16/10/17

“But oh my god, I miss you more than I thought was possible.”

This is getting bad. Not the fact that I simply express my feelings every day, if anything that should be therapeutic somehow. It’s more the fact that I know I’ll never be able to sleep until I let you know how I am. How I feel. And it’s always about you. It’ll always be about you.

I’ll be awake again in just under 6 hours, probably. The wait every night would be fine if I knew that when I rose the next morning, I’d see your face, but now, I won’t. I don’t. I hate to come across awfully negative but every goodbye I say to you is like losing a friend who was once so close to me. It’s one thing for a friend to become an enemy, but it’s a whole different thing for a friend to become a stranger and every departure feels like the latter.

It’s been a day. “It’s only been a week.” If that’s the case, why did it feel like a month? Why does every measurement of time seem to increase the longer you’re away? I want you back home. We don’t share a home, but I’ve come to believe that home is where the heart is and you’ve stolen mine, so why am I not with you right now?

I feel too much and I have too much to say and I don’t know why I’m this way. Perhaps it’s poetic, all I know is this all seems rather tragic. I bet anyone in your previous relationships would never do this for you, who do I believe I am to be doing this? You don’t need this, I just need assurance and some sort of way to calm my obsession with you.

It’s becoming more evident that I should just write a song for you. Maybe I’ll give it a go.


	6. Chapter 6

21/10/17

“After all this time, I’m still into you.”

I’ve been thinking about it today. It’s almost idiotic, the fact that such a strange thought came into my mind whilst browsing a Swedish furniture shop. Imagine for a moment, 10 years from now, we could be coming home to each other. Our own little home that we made ours together. It’s strange.

Now, I’m not trying to force this idea upon you. Of course, you don’t have to stay with me and the option to leave is always there because at the end of the day, I’d rather you be happy than make you fall in love with me if you’re not. Saying this, if we do end up apart, you have my word that I will always love you. Hence the use of the word, ‘could.’ However, this ‘could’ may one day become a reality and that’s beautiful.

I’ve known you for almost 5 years now. I’ve been madly in love with you for almost 5 years now and the more and more I think about it, the more and more real it becomes. Thinking back to everything that’s happened, it seems longer than 5 years because it’s been so hectic, 5 years isn’t such a long time in the grand scale of things. Our possible future together is a lot closer than we think. We just have to get through all the crap that’s before us. 

I’ve said this before and I’ll continue to say it to make sure that you never forget it: 

I think this time we’ll make it. 

It’s cliché, it’s corny and it’s almost sickeningly sweet, but I have never felt more content and at peace than I have with you next to me. I can’t help but think of all the possibilities that could happen. Some things are over so quickly, almost too quickly, I want to make the most of this.

So, I’m going to repeat a few things I’ve mentioned before to you when we first started talking again.

Whenever I was struggling to get to sleep though, I’d close my eyes and pretend I was next to you. I’d relive those moments where we’d lie together and not even say anything, we’d just look at each other and occasionally laugh or smile there. The mere thought of you made me feel safe and like everything was okay. You still have that impact now. As long as I know that you’re there, I feel confident. I keep thinking back to the time when you came back to mine when it was cold and we had hot chocolate and sat on the sofa with a blanket over us. I most remember that though because everything was okay and I remember holding your hand underneath it. I remember the messages after we kissed. I remember the spams I sent you when I wasn’t at school. When you were asleep. I know that I never want to hurt you and I love you with every part of me. I care about you so deeply and I promise that I’ll always be there whenever possible. Always.

I stand by that. I wear the necklace I gave you to remind me that you kept it. Even when we were never together, you kept it. It’s laid by your heart and now it’s laying by mine. You’ll always have a place in my heart until the end of time and even longer because I love you so much. Whether we have a future or not, I always will because a love like ours doesn’t fade away. And I absolutely can’t wait to come home and see your face. And our dogs.


	7. Chapter 7

27/10/17

“I just killed off what was left of the optimist in me.”

I haven’t cried properly since August. In September I let out small tears for 5 days consecutively. Tonight is the first night I’ve cried in 84 days. That seems like a while to me, perhaps that’s just because I get emotional easily. This is in no way an accomplishment.

3, maybe even 2 years ago, I’d be asked whether I was okay by my family. It’s like they could always tell when something was wrong. Maybe it’s just because of the counselling I had...it never went anywhere though. I was too scared to talk to anyone about how I felt. I know my family still care. They love me and I’m aware of that. No one asks anymore though. Unless I make it apparent and tell them, they assume I’m okay. Maybe it’s selfish of me to believe that they should be able to tell these things with no explanation. They have other things on their mind, more important things.

I don’t know why I feel this way. I’m in a good place. I have made a few more friends, I have the most wonderful girlfriend, my favourite artist is releasing new music, i dyed my hair recently which instantly makes me feel happier. I shouldn’t feel the way I do because I know that I’m alright and things around me are alright. My dad is even away which means I don’t freak out when I hear a car pull up on the drive or a sound on the door or windows. I’m safe.

So why do I want to fall into old habits? I want to hurt myself to feel better about something, I don’t know what. I just kind of crave it and it scares me. It’s been 2 years since I even went near the idea. I thought about it in August, I think about it more than I should but I’ve never been this close to thinking about relapsing. 

I know I’ll be okay. Things are always better the next morning, but if this feeling doesn’t stop, I don’t know what I’ll do or how I’ll deal with it.


	8. Chapter 8

1/11/17

“That orange, English light casts only one, singular shadow. For you are not beside, but within me.”

There’s something incredibly ominous yet calming about travelling in the dark, especially when you’re not the one in control. The streetlights shine through the window, the flame coloured glare dances across your limbs and you’re still there. Falling asleep, paying no attention to the world surrounding you.

As stupid as it sounds, I’ve recently come to the conclusion that the beauty of darkness is underrated. You have all these people that are like, “I like to stay up at 2am because then it’s silent and no one else is awake,” or they’ll say something like, “I sit in my room, on my own, in the dark and listen to my music.” Well...good for you. You’re an edgy teen and you’ll regret even mentioning something like that in a few years time. They may act upon things and stay in the dark, I don’t think they appreciate though.

I feel like to truly appreciate something, you should probably experience the privation of that thing. Then you can know. Compare and contrast. Darkness isn’t beautiful without light, light is not beautiful without darkness. You can’t simply have highlights with no shadows. 

This is why, as I was sitting there tonight. I was observing the way in which the lights experienced swirled across the roof of the bus, twisting and turning as if they were part of some social dance that nobody was a part of but them. As we passed streetlights, streaks of orange crawled up the metal bars and along the seats. A police car drove past and although you couldn’t hear the siren, the way the blue lights turned into strobes as they bounced off of the bus made its existence significantly evident.

I sat there. Listening to a playlist to get me to think of her. Of the millions of drives back in the dark, when we sat in the back, holding each other’s hands in secrecy. We create our own serenity; I like that about us. I can’t wait to drive home to you. I can’t wait to drive home together. 

I want to tell you all of this: how there is so much evident beauty in the world that’s underrated and never receives the recognition it deserves and yet, despite all of this and everything I could possibly mention, nothing quite compares to you.


	9. Chapter 9

4/11/17

“And since you left, I’ve been living on artificial happiness.”

I promised myself I wasn’t going to do this. It’s useless, you won’t see it and at this point there is nothing saving us and keeping us from becoming complete strangers from one another. That being said, even if you never see this, I have more than enough to say about absolutely everything.

Firstly, I think it’s important to mention that I was the one in the wrong- not you. I should’ve kept to my word but I do find it hard to let go and with my viewpoint of, “they’re nice to me, I guess I’ve got to be the same to them.” I guess it makes sense to keep her around. That’s not an excuse though, I should’ve put you in front of others.

Secondly, I should’ve tried harder. Tried harder to get you to stay, maybe then we wouldn’t be in this mess. Due to my own insecurities, we’ve lost everything. Absolutely everything. I should’ve tried harder, been better. Of course you loved me, I was just after reassurance. More validation but I shouldn’t of needed that to know, that’s absolutely dumb.

Thirdly, I guess I thought destroying us would leave us better off. You were broken and I couldn’t save you. There seemed to be no other choice but to give up, and you took that literally. I told them because I was worried sick about you, I don’t believe tonight or last night (as it’s midnight now) could get any worse. I keep breaking down out of nowhere and I know that I’m not going ever going to be able to fix this.

I guess that’s the issue now. As much as I want to talk to you, ask you how you are and talk things out, I can’t. I shouldn’t. I guess the moral of the story is that perhaps you did need to stay away from me and I unintentionally messed you around until the point in which you had to leave and create some distance and I don’t blame you, I’m the worst.

The fact is I love you and I always will and I always have. For almost 5 years. I guess Still Into You is still relevant because although we may not be together, my heart will always be yours and I will always think of you as a home. I can never string together the words to create a sentence to explain how much I love you because what I feel for you is beyond devotion, commitment, infatuation and lust. I’m in love and I have fallen in love with you. 

I’m sorry for everything, but if you ever wish to contact me again, you know where I am. If you don’t, I hope the rest of your life goes well. I’ll miss you forever and I’ll love you forever. Maybe we didn’t work together as well as we thought we did, but what we had was magical and I’ll wish for a love like that for the rest of my existence.


End file.
